Raising 2 daughters of different ages is giving me a very different perspective on being a triplet. They get along well but the little one with a 4 year age gap still constantly needs my intervention to defend her wants & needs! How tenacious and assertive she has had to be about what she really wants (so things won’t be thrust at her or she won’t be treated like an animated prop) boggles my mind!
And the older one has to be told off a lot more to protect her sister from boisterous play ideas above her level. Being told off more has an impact. But she also learns a lot of skills by taking on that responsibility. Classic older child situation where she hones being ‘teacherly’, but is worried about overstepping.
Yeah, as triplets we did still fight or have power struggles, I know we must have and esp in our twos. But, crucially, we were all the same size and so we knew we wdn’t get very far by it. The pecking order was very different & rivalry seems far more pronounced when there is an age gap or a size difference. None of us were ‘usurped’ by our sibling. There was little to no jealousy that I can remember. Instead I remember being immensely proud of their successes like a team-mate would be.
But, one aspect strangers didn’t know is that birth order still matters! People always said ‘triplets!!!’ And then laughed and asked “which of you three came first?” Always. This perhaps ensured that Olivia was the ‘leader’ in my mind and that Becky was somehow the ‘younger one’ even by only 10 minutes or so. I was always the middle one in my head, even if by a tiny margin.
So you can add that to the list of questions you should probably never ask a very young multiple - ‘who came first?’ Children might internalise the 1st, second or 3rd answer in terms of dominance or who the leader of games should be, as children often seem to put some hierarchy into their play. I know I did.
For example, if we played Batman, then Olivia being the leader out of the three was who I remember being default Batman. Becky would be Robin and I would be the ‘character part’, usy or one of the villains. Unless Olivia really desperately wanted to be Catwoman or the Joker or the Penguin or something (the baddies are all fun roles!), in which case I’d be Batman. Becky rarely seemed to get a choice who she played, she was always the sidekick, always Robin… that’s how I remember it.
Oh, yes, the birth order question! Really good point, Alex. It bugged me, but must have been really annoying for you. And it's no joke, never getting to be Batman!
And yes, children of different ages have their own dynamic, which is not necessarily easier. At least you three were generally heading in the same direction at the same time!
Thanks for adding your own thoughts and observations on all this. Really interesting.
Ha if so then I hope I’m remembering it right, maybe Becky did get to be Batman sometimes but I suspect it was only by Olivia or me offering, or wanting Robin’s job for a change… it didn’t happen so often. Similar with games of Sonic Becky was usually default Tails, while Olivia & I would alternate Sonic & Knuckles. Unless we definitely wanted to swap (bc Tails is still very cool) & then Becky might finally get a turn as the main character. So unfair! 😁
This is funny because as far as I remember Alex, YOU were tails! I was knuckles! Maybe I wanted in and we swapped at some point?
The birth order thing isn’t so bad, all families divide roles in some ways and I didn’t mind being the third daughter. Of course it has an influence though xx
I think Tails was fought over quite a bit. He is a helicopter fox, what’s not to like?! :) I remember Olivia being slotted into the main character role quite a lot, whether or not she wanted to be, but then we might swap over. Birth order made some difference to how we organised ourselves.
You were all obsessed by Sonic the Hedgehog, that's for sure! I need to dig out your infants school news books; they were full of it. I don't know what your teachers thought!
I mean this in the nicest way but I think playing Sonic may have been dad’s way to decompress after work for a time (a bit like your Tetris streak) but in his case it kept us out of any more active mischief. We were all in on his decompression. Sometimes he’d let us play and then Sonic would repeatedly drown, poor thing.
Love hearing your perspective! We have identical one year olds and have decided not to tell them what order they were born in as I feel people often project their own complexes about birth order onto multiples! They were born by c section within 2 mins of each other so not sure any of it would apply. I’ll have to see how it shakes down, and whether the one born first really is Batman or not!
Congrats on your twins! You’re probably right. There was a video of us when we were maybe preschool age where Becky was trying to explain something, Olivia & I kept butting in. It’s partly just a personality thing! I was quite tactless & Becky was more tactful. But I also internalised the birth order, for sure.
I'm a fraternal twin. Because we were born in the dark ages pre-scans Mum didn't know there were going to be two of us until about six weeks before we were due - her midwife just thought she had a big, bony baby!
Your writing is so lovely, Wendy. It's like sitting down for a chat over a cup of tea. The most interesting topics come up in the conversation. Thank you for sharing all these snapshots of your most interesting life!
Thank you, Ofifoto! I expect we would have lots to talk about if we met in real life, too. You comment so thoughtfully (not just on my own, but on others’ writing). Really appreciate it.
I want to send this piece to everyone I know!!! Mum to identical triplet girls (13mo) and I couldn’t relate more to all of this. I’m amazed at how little innovation there’s been for triple prams 🙃 and oh my the weird stranger comments. Also crying at Becky’s poem of course. Love love love this.
Oh, lovely to hear from you, Elaine! Congratulations on your three girls. Glad this all struck a chord. Do please feel free to share the piece! Are you in touch with other parents of multiples? I found meeting families via TAMBA (now Twins Trust) in the UK so helpful.
Yes we know another triplet family through Twins Trust and then quite a few through Instagram / multiples WhatsApp groups! I’m undecided how I feel about the celeb status of having triplets as even though the interactions are often quite off-key, I often feel the same amazement Joe Bloggs on the street has about the kids!
Well, that’s true, Elaine. I still can’t quite believe it myself sometimes! It depended what mood people caught me in and how much sleep I’d had!
Glad you’re making connections through Twins Trust. I just got a Christmas card from a mum of identical triplet daughters almost the same age as mine and we’ve kept in touch throughout their lives, after meeting through TAMBA. It’s fascinating seeing how things turn out.
It’s one of my favourites of Becky’s poems – I’ve never come across another poem specifically from the perspective of being an identical triplet. Thanks for reading and commenting, Keris!
I have twins and have gotten some of these questions as well. Ivf? Does it run in the family? People shocked that I didn’t have a csection. I think the first few years it bothered me more because I was so sleep deprived lol but now I’m like, eh whatever. Triplets and higher order multiples truly are something else tho!
Thanks, Morgan! How old are your twins? (Sorry, starting with a question!)
Yes, sleep deprivation didn’t help! And I was ultra self-conscious if any of the children cried or threw a tantrum. Everything felt so magnified!
But over time it just became part of life and now I enjoy reminiscing!
One of my daughters mentioned after reading the piece that was narked by the birth order questions: who came first? Did you get that? Did it affect their perceptions of themselves?
My boys are 5 now and I have a daughter that’s 1.5. Yes, we totally get birth order questions! And people will say things like “oh he does seem like the older twin. He seems like the one in charge.” Hahaha I’m like, uh sure ? I was always concerned with them being their own people and not “the twins” all the time so took so much effort to differentiate them when they were small. (Even though they are frat, they look pretty similar and people sometimes assume they are identical, dk how, but it happens haha). Anyway now that they are older they are obsessed with being twins, wearing similar clothes, each other, being near each other. It’s so funny how that works out.
Funny what people project onto them, isn’t it?! My daughters always dressed differently, unless they had to wear school uniform, and they chose to have different haircuts from the age of three. Like you, I tried to emphasise individuality as much as possible. Separate classes when it was an option. But you can only do so much and there will inevitably be comparisons. One thing that hurt me a little was that at infants school, their friends’ parents would assume they couldn’t invite just one of them round at a time, but didn’t want the responsibility of inviting all three. The result was they didn’t get many invitations. It got easier as they got older, fortunately.
Ah, Wendy - a lovely read as ever. Pals of ours recently had twins so now have 4 under 4 - reading this is helpful in reminding me not to ask them the annoying questions that everyone will be asking - thanks!
Thanks, Andy. (And I’m my daughter’s number one fan, of course – I love her poetry.)
Four under four MUST be a handful for your friends! I admired intrepid friends of ours who dared ask the question: “Would you like us to babysit?” Or who offered to take them to the zoo. (Once it was at all feasible, I mean.) And the friends who understood we were preoccupied, but showed up anyway. (I know we must have scared some of our friends off!)
A great piece Wendy. I think all mothers get asked inappropriate questions, so I can only imagine how people responded to you. In part I think it must be awe. My sister has identical boy twins ( grown up) and an elder son. She used to put them in a washing basket to move around the house. I’d love to know what the teenage years were like. Thanks for sharing.
Actually, teen years not so hard, from my perspective at least. I think the ´buffer’ Becky spoke of was really helpful at that time. They knew they had each other’s backs and weren’t going through anything completely alone. Which takes some pressure off as a parent. And they were usually heading to the same places physically. Parents’ evenings were hard, though, timetabling three lots of teacher meetings!
Sorry to be so predictable, but I have NO idea how you managed. I'm not even sure how I managed, with only two children and a two-year gap between them. Raising little humans is hard. Raising triplets must have been mind-blowing. I love your story - told with such humour and honesty. And I love the pictures too. Especially the first pic - with their three little bottoms in the air!
Thank you, Gillian. I went into a lot more detail in my diary at the time! My least favourite phase was the “terrible twos” because, x3, it was basically full-time refereeing.
Two-year olds love loads of attention, so I imagine a new baby at that age was a massive shift in family dynamics. I don’t think there’s any obvious “easy” age gap, be it two hours or two years!
What a wonderful piece Wendy, thanks for sharing how you coped with triplets, obviously really well and how wonderful they are on Substack too.
I have the opposite, no kids and people used to ask why? here in Mexico it's strange not having kids, and without resorting to the the classic, and very catholic, "it's what God wanted" I used to just mumble and say something about nature.
Thank you, Rosalind. Absolutely, that is a whole other set of annoying questions to field, as my child-free friends have found. I’ve read some really good pieces on that topic here on Substack.
There must be something about the Greenwich area, as there were triplets and their mother at the British Hospital for Mothers and Babies in Woolwich, when I took my daughter in for a check-up late in 1982. I didn't ask any questions, just overheard the mum saying she was getting lots of help and feeding them one after another. Therefore not getting much sleep. The British closed the year I had my second daughter, in 1985. We lived in Plumstead, then Eltham. Lovely pic of you walking in Greenwich Park.
Thank you, Maria. I have fond memories of living in that area and was really glad of Greenwich Park being nearby. A TAMBA contact in Eltham gave me loads of advice when I was pregnant (she had six children including triplets and somehow made it look easy!), and there was quite a network of families in the area with higher multiples. I remember meeting a family with identical quads in Beckenham.
I don’t remember the British Hospital – just looked it up to see if it jogged my memory. Looks like it would have been a nice small unit, compared to the vast hospitals we tend to rely on now. Was it well-run?
Raising 2 daughters of different ages is giving me a very different perspective on being a triplet. They get along well but the little one with a 4 year age gap still constantly needs my intervention to defend her wants & needs! How tenacious and assertive she has had to be about what she really wants (so things won’t be thrust at her or she won’t be treated like an animated prop) boggles my mind!
And the older one has to be told off a lot more to protect her sister from boisterous play ideas above her level. Being told off more has an impact. But she also learns a lot of skills by taking on that responsibility. Classic older child situation where she hones being ‘teacherly’, but is worried about overstepping.
Yeah, as triplets we did still fight or have power struggles, I know we must have and esp in our twos. But, crucially, we were all the same size and so we knew we wdn’t get very far by it. The pecking order was very different & rivalry seems far more pronounced when there is an age gap or a size difference. None of us were ‘usurped’ by our sibling. There was little to no jealousy that I can remember. Instead I remember being immensely proud of their successes like a team-mate would be.
But, one aspect strangers didn’t know is that birth order still matters! People always said ‘triplets!!!’ And then laughed and asked “which of you three came first?” Always. This perhaps ensured that Olivia was the ‘leader’ in my mind and that Becky was somehow the ‘younger one’ even by only 10 minutes or so. I was always the middle one in my head, even if by a tiny margin.
So you can add that to the list of questions you should probably never ask a very young multiple - ‘who came first?’ Children might internalise the 1st, second or 3rd answer in terms of dominance or who the leader of games should be, as children often seem to put some hierarchy into their play. I know I did.
For example, if we played Batman, then Olivia being the leader out of the three was who I remember being default Batman. Becky would be Robin and I would be the ‘character part’, usy or one of the villains. Unless Olivia really desperately wanted to be Catwoman or the Joker or the Penguin or something (the baddies are all fun roles!), in which case I’d be Batman. Becky rarely seemed to get a choice who she played, she was always the sidekick, always Robin… that’s how I remember it.
Oh, yes, the birth order question! Really good point, Alex. It bugged me, but must have been really annoying for you. And it's no joke, never getting to be Batman!
And yes, children of different ages have their own dynamic, which is not necessarily easier. At least you three were generally heading in the same direction at the same time!
Thanks for adding your own thoughts and observations on all this. Really interesting.
Well that’s the Christmas presents sorted then.
🦇 🤡 🐦
Ha if so then I hope I’m remembering it right, maybe Becky did get to be Batman sometimes but I suspect it was only by Olivia or me offering, or wanting Robin’s job for a change… it didn’t happen so often. Similar with games of Sonic Becky was usually default Tails, while Olivia & I would alternate Sonic & Knuckles. Unless we definitely wanted to swap (bc Tails is still very cool) & then Becky might finally get a turn as the main character. So unfair! 😁
You need your own truth and reconciliation commission!
This is funny because as far as I remember Alex, YOU were tails! I was knuckles! Maybe I wanted in and we swapped at some point?
The birth order thing isn’t so bad, all families divide roles in some ways and I didn’t mind being the third daughter. Of course it has an influence though xx
& did you get to be Batman? 😁
I think Tails was fought over quite a bit. He is a helicopter fox, what’s not to like?! :) I remember Olivia being slotted into the main character role quite a lot, whether or not she wanted to be, but then we might swap over. Birth order made some difference to how we organised ourselves.
Can’t remember my role in Batman, you’re probably right that I was Robin. Think I have a vague memory of you playing The Penguin at one point
You were all obsessed by Sonic the Hedgehog, that's for sure! I need to dig out your infants school news books; they were full of it. I don't know what your teachers thought!
I mean this in the nicest way but I think playing Sonic may have been dad’s way to decompress after work for a time (a bit like your Tetris streak) but in his case it kept us out of any more active mischief. We were all in on his decompression. Sometimes he’d let us play and then Sonic would repeatedly drown, poor thing.
Love hearing your perspective! We have identical one year olds and have decided not to tell them what order they were born in as I feel people often project their own complexes about birth order onto multiples! They were born by c section within 2 mins of each other so not sure any of it would apply. I’ll have to see how it shakes down, and whether the one born first really is Batman or not!
Congrats on your twins! You’re probably right. There was a video of us when we were maybe preschool age where Becky was trying to explain something, Olivia & I kept butting in. It’s partly just a personality thing! I was quite tactless & Becky was more tactful. But I also internalised the birth order, for sure.
Oh I should have said they are triplet gals, hehe.
Lovely to hear from another triplet mum. Yay!
I'm a fraternal twin. Because we were born in the dark ages pre-scans Mum didn't know there were going to be two of us until about six weeks before we were due - her midwife just thought she had a big, bony baby!
Thanks for commenting, Steven. Crikey, that was a shock for your mum then!
Your writing is so lovely, Wendy. It's like sitting down for a chat over a cup of tea. The most interesting topics come up in the conversation. Thank you for sharing all these snapshots of your most interesting life!
Thank you, Ofifoto! I expect we would have lots to talk about if we met in real life, too. You comment so thoughtfully (not just on my own, but on others’ writing). Really appreciate it.
I want to send this piece to everyone I know!!! Mum to identical triplet girls (13mo) and I couldn’t relate more to all of this. I’m amazed at how little innovation there’s been for triple prams 🙃 and oh my the weird stranger comments. Also crying at Becky’s poem of course. Love love love this.
Oh, lovely to hear from you, Elaine! Congratulations on your three girls. Glad this all struck a chord. Do please feel free to share the piece! Are you in touch with other parents of multiples? I found meeting families via TAMBA (now Twins Trust) in the UK so helpful.
Yes we know another triplet family through Twins Trust and then quite a few through Instagram / multiples WhatsApp groups! I’m undecided how I feel about the celeb status of having triplets as even though the interactions are often quite off-key, I often feel the same amazement Joe Bloggs on the street has about the kids!
Well, that’s true, Elaine. I still can’t quite believe it myself sometimes! It depended what mood people caught me in and how much sleep I’d had!
Glad you’re making connections through Twins Trust. I just got a Christmas card from a mum of identical triplet daughters almost the same age as mine and we’ve kept in touch throughout their lives, after meeting through TAMBA. It’s fascinating seeing how things turn out.
Oh wow, Wendy, the poem! So beautiful.
It’s one of my favourites of Becky’s poems – I’ve never come across another poem specifically from the perspective of being an identical triplet. Thanks for reading and commenting, Keris!
Lovely piece. Thank you for quoting me! I've already told the lady in Spar...😂
Haha!
Beautiful poem.
Thank you, Penny. (I love her poetry, too!)
I have twins and have gotten some of these questions as well. Ivf? Does it run in the family? People shocked that I didn’t have a csection. I think the first few years it bothered me more because I was so sleep deprived lol but now I’m like, eh whatever. Triplets and higher order multiples truly are something else tho!
Thanks, Morgan! How old are your twins? (Sorry, starting with a question!)
Yes, sleep deprivation didn’t help! And I was ultra self-conscious if any of the children cried or threw a tantrum. Everything felt so magnified!
But over time it just became part of life and now I enjoy reminiscing!
One of my daughters mentioned after reading the piece that was narked by the birth order questions: who came first? Did you get that? Did it affect their perceptions of themselves?
Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
My boys are 5 now and I have a daughter that’s 1.5. Yes, we totally get birth order questions! And people will say things like “oh he does seem like the older twin. He seems like the one in charge.” Hahaha I’m like, uh sure ? I was always concerned with them being their own people and not “the twins” all the time so took so much effort to differentiate them when they were small. (Even though they are frat, they look pretty similar and people sometimes assume they are identical, dk how, but it happens haha). Anyway now that they are older they are obsessed with being twins, wearing similar clothes, each other, being near each other. It’s so funny how that works out.
Funny what people project onto them, isn’t it?! My daughters always dressed differently, unless they had to wear school uniform, and they chose to have different haircuts from the age of three. Like you, I tried to emphasise individuality as much as possible. Separate classes when it was an option. But you can only do so much and there will inevitably be comparisons. One thing that hurt me a little was that at infants school, their friends’ parents would assume they couldn’t invite just one of them round at a time, but didn’t want the responsibility of inviting all three. The result was they didn’t get many invitations. It got easier as they got older, fortunately.
Ah, Wendy - a lovely read as ever. Pals of ours recently had twins so now have 4 under 4 - reading this is helpful in reminding me not to ask them the annoying questions that everyone will be asking - thanks!
Also, your daughter is a very talented poet!
Thanks, Andy. (And I’m my daughter’s number one fan, of course – I love her poetry.)
Four under four MUST be a handful for your friends! I admired intrepid friends of ours who dared ask the question: “Would you like us to babysit?” Or who offered to take them to the zoo. (Once it was at all feasible, I mean.) And the friends who understood we were preoccupied, but showed up anyway. (I know we must have scared some of our friends off!)
A great piece Wendy. I think all mothers get asked inappropriate questions, so I can only imagine how people responded to you. In part I think it must be awe. My sister has identical boy twins ( grown up) and an elder son. She used to put them in a washing basket to move around the house. I’d love to know what the teenage years were like. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Margaret.
Actually, teen years not so hard, from my perspective at least. I think the ´buffer’ Becky spoke of was really helpful at that time. They knew they had each other’s backs and weren’t going through anything completely alone. Which takes some pressure off as a parent. And they were usually heading to the same places physically. Parents’ evenings were hard, though, timetabling three lots of teacher meetings!
Laughing and shedding tears again whilst ready this Wendy.
Laughing- “you must be virile”
Crying- “holding hands in the dark”
I love your writing Wendy.
Thank you, Lisa. I will issue a virtual tissue box!
A beautiful piece, Wendy! I’ve always wondered how it is to raise girls ( boy mum here) but especially triplets! What an experience!
Thank you, Ingrid. I had my son fifteen years later and that was a whole other experience!
Sorry to be so predictable, but I have NO idea how you managed. I'm not even sure how I managed, with only two children and a two-year gap between them. Raising little humans is hard. Raising triplets must have been mind-blowing. I love your story - told with such humour and honesty. And I love the pictures too. Especially the first pic - with their three little bottoms in the air!
Thank you, Gillian. I went into a lot more detail in my diary at the time! My least favourite phase was the “terrible twos” because, x3, it was basically full-time refereeing.
Two-year olds love loads of attention, so I imagine a new baby at that age was a massive shift in family dynamics. I don’t think there’s any obvious “easy” age gap, be it two hours or two years!
This is a kind response Wendy, but three 2-year olds at the same time trumps one 2-year old and a baby. No contest!
Well, it’s true the logistics are baffling!
What a beautiful read, Wendy
Thank you so much, Leah! Glad you’ve got a few minutes to yourself for a catch-up.
What a wonderful piece Wendy, thanks for sharing how you coped with triplets, obviously really well and how wonderful they are on Substack too.
I have the opposite, no kids and people used to ask why? here in Mexico it's strange not having kids, and without resorting to the the classic, and very catholic, "it's what God wanted" I used to just mumble and say something about nature.
Thank you, Rosalind. Absolutely, that is a whole other set of annoying questions to field, as my child-free friends have found. I’ve read some really good pieces on that topic here on Substack.
There must be something about the Greenwich area, as there were triplets and their mother at the British Hospital for Mothers and Babies in Woolwich, when I took my daughter in for a check-up late in 1982. I didn't ask any questions, just overheard the mum saying she was getting lots of help and feeding them one after another. Therefore not getting much sleep. The British closed the year I had my second daughter, in 1985. We lived in Plumstead, then Eltham. Lovely pic of you walking in Greenwich Park.
Thank you, Maria. I have fond memories of living in that area and was really glad of Greenwich Park being nearby. A TAMBA contact in Eltham gave me loads of advice when I was pregnant (she had six children including triplets and somehow made it look easy!), and there was quite a network of families in the area with higher multiples. I remember meeting a family with identical quads in Beckenham.
I don’t remember the British Hospital – just looked it up to see if it jogged my memory. Looks like it would have been a nice small unit, compared to the vast hospitals we tend to rely on now. Was it well-run?