Uh-oh. Just discovered you another gifted writer. I am running out of time in the day to read all of you.
Early grief.
My 16 year old sister died after a three day medical event. Turns out an aneurysm burst in her brain. Aneurysms tend to be a weakness in blood vessel lining from the beginning. A birth defect. My sister had an early bursting.
I was nine.
In a huge subtle way my parents were not the same. Ever again.
Neither was I.
This is usually about all people can tolerate when my sister comes up in conversation.
I shall have to write more about her. And me. And my family.
I’m so sorry to read about what happened to your sister, Jeanne. Awful that she died so young. Your comment about the “huge subtle way” in which things were never the same for your or your parents resonates. Very well-put.
This episode is still a “ thing” even though I am 70 now. I knew her you see. Hers was the first wake and funeral service I went to in my short life. Certain flowers perfumes takes me to that day.
Her name was Colleen Frances.
Her birthday 16 was 3 days before she died. In October.
My daughter was October and I named her Colleen Robyn.
My mother and aunt were mad about the name. My Mom said I should have asked permission. The aunt said with venom, “there will never be another Colleen.
Thank goodness I was older (22) by then. I said nothing which made them huff and puff. It seems this memory has now tumbled out.
'My mum said I should have asked permission '. That really struck me. In some ways I understand, but goodness aren't families complex, a little organism that can trot along quite happily and then one little false step and a massive tear appears which can rip it apart. I am so sorry that your act of love caused pain.
As always Wendy your writing evokes lots of emotions. My 4 young granddaughters
( 3,7,9,10) have had to deal with family loss early. My sister died suddenly 2 yrs ago and she was a big part of their family routine as she helped with after school care. My daughters were very open with them about what had happened, answered all their questions and they all came to her funeral ...they were given the choice and chose to say goodbye with us as a family. 18 mths later my Mum passed away, and they were devastated, they all wrote things to share at her funeral and I was so proud of them. They all still openly talk about 'Auntie Rosie, and Big Nanny' even the youngest who was only 2 when she passed, but together, they remember when in the year their birthdays are and talk about them so much. I think it has helped us all knowing that both of them are still so much part of our family chat. I am also pleased that my daughters have been so open about these sad events which means they will not be forgotten.
Thanks, Sharon. You’ve had a lot to navigate as a family and it sounds like you’ve all done the best you possibly can to help your granddaughters adjust. It must be a relief to be able to talk about your sister and your mum without anyone having to whisper.
Beautiful post Wendy, very moving. I often glance over at seats in a theatre or cinema and wonder what happened! I’m always curious. Congratulations on the two years , I know we are around the same time , I must have a look to see when my 2 year substack anniversary is and what a good idea to make your posts private after 4 months. I may think about doing that myself.
It’s been such a pleasure getting to know you and your writing here, and thanks for all your encouragement and support.
I’ve dithered about how and whether to use paywalls, and am feeling my way. I don’t have the capacity to write ‘extras’ for paying subscribers, but it does mean the back catalogue is open for them.
Such a profound and moving piece Wendy. Lovely writing. Many congratulations on your second year. Your posts have brought me a lot of pleasure. I look forward to many more.
Oh Wendy this is so well done and so poignant. Becky's art project really touched me, such a deep person to come up with this concept. And that beautiful dream about Otto. So glad that you wrote about this. I truly believe these things are signs, not just sentimental comfort the brain drags forward. I read recently that a neuroscientist observed that the reason we sleep is not just restorative - it's literally because we need to dream. It's *that* vital for the mind. I had a dream once about drinking tea from one of my mum's lovely china cups when suddenly the bird from the pattern (Pembroke - Aynsley) came to life and came to perch companionably on my shoulder. Will never forget that feeling. Thank you for this mystical start to the day xo
Thanks, Sue. I’m not surprised about the need to dream - it’s the best way to unjumble the world.
I love your magical dream about the bird from your mum’s china cups coming to life anc perching on your shoulder. I’ve just looked up the delightful pattern. That’s so special.
I *love* that you took the trouble to look up the pattern, Wendy. Yes it was special and I will never forget the way that it made me feel. I am sure that your dream evoked a similar response xo
“There’s a big difference between families that keep secrets and those that don’t.” Many so-called grownups haven’t figured this out. The empty theater seats are a powerful and unexpected setup for the emptiness where Otto should be.
Only just had chance to comment Wendy. This is such a touching, thoughtful piece. The arbitrary decisions we make through life, when they have consequences, my God it makes you realise we have little control.
On another note, I thought I was clever booking tickets for my mum and her friend to see Midsomer Murders at Bromley Churchill theatre 8 months in advance. Shame we all forgot about said tickets until the day after the show - which was only very recently 🤦🏻♀️
What a beautiful post Wendy - I appreciate that the dreams are not always so positive but the one you describe with Otto around 10 years old is so special. 🥰
I know, I wish I'd kept one! I used to start writing, survive a week, and give up as I hated the sound of my own 'voice' on the page... My van diaries the past two weeks are my most consistent set of entries ever!
Love this, thank you as always! was just looking up today whether you can have anxiety/depression related to miscarriage (how had i thought it was separate?!) and your decision about grief counselling is a guide. Also, what fun theater activities--at least you had the plans, even if they didn't work out!!
Yes, I think depression and the grief of loss can often intermingle. I waited maybe too long to get counselling - I was really bottling up a lot. The relief of talking openly was immense.
I was so pleased to find those tasters of both theatre performances on YouTube. So that was what I missed?!
Such a moving post, Wendy. Thank you. My granddaughter lost her paternal grandmother when she was only three. It was very hard to explain but she seems to have dealt with it. Now I worry about what will happen when I go. She’ll be that much older. You would do anything to spare them pain, but this is the one thing you can’t protect them from.
Thanks, Alison, and very true that you can’t protect children from loss as they grow up. Have to hope they learn that love and resilience go alongside it.
Uh-oh. Just discovered you another gifted writer. I am running out of time in the day to read all of you.
Early grief.
My 16 year old sister died after a three day medical event. Turns out an aneurysm burst in her brain. Aneurysms tend to be a weakness in blood vessel lining from the beginning. A birth defect. My sister had an early bursting.
I was nine.
In a huge subtle way my parents were not the same. Ever again.
Neither was I.
This is usually about all people can tolerate when my sister comes up in conversation.
I shall have to write more about her. And me. And my family.
I’m so sorry to read about what happened to your sister, Jeanne. Awful that she died so young. Your comment about the “huge subtle way” in which things were never the same for your or your parents resonates. Very well-put.
Thank you. I am glad my note was clear.
This episode is still a “ thing” even though I am 70 now. I knew her you see. Hers was the first wake and funeral service I went to in my short life. Certain flowers perfumes takes me to that day.
Her name was Colleen Frances.
Her birthday 16 was 3 days before she died. In October.
My daughter was October and I named her Colleen Robyn.
My mother and aunt were mad about the name. My Mom said I should have asked permission. The aunt said with venom, “there will never be another Colleen.
Thank goodness I was older (22) by then. I said nothing which made them huff and puff. It seems this memory has now tumbled out.
I did it of course to honor my sister. Colleen.
It was beautiful to name your daughter Colleen after your sister. I’m glad you weren’t swayed by your mum’s and aunt’s disapproval.
The scent of lilies reminds me of Otto. Beautiful, but I can’t have them in the house. Too evocative.
Scent is a powerful memory maker.
'My mum said I should have asked permission '. That really struck me. In some ways I understand, but goodness aren't families complex, a little organism that can trot along quite happily and then one little false step and a massive tear appears which can rip it apart. I am so sorry that your act of love caused pain.
Thank you .
It is still at 70 still a thing whenever I smell certain flowers. My first wake and funeral service of someone I knew was hers. He
The wave and smile from your son is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.
It was one of the most beautiful dreams I’ve ever had, Jeanne. I welled up at the memory of it.
As always Wendy your writing evokes lots of emotions. My 4 young granddaughters
( 3,7,9,10) have had to deal with family loss early. My sister died suddenly 2 yrs ago and she was a big part of their family routine as she helped with after school care. My daughters were very open with them about what had happened, answered all their questions and they all came to her funeral ...they were given the choice and chose to say goodbye with us as a family. 18 mths later my Mum passed away, and they were devastated, they all wrote things to share at her funeral and I was so proud of them. They all still openly talk about 'Auntie Rosie, and Big Nanny' even the youngest who was only 2 when she passed, but together, they remember when in the year their birthdays are and talk about them so much. I think it has helped us all knowing that both of them are still so much part of our family chat. I am also pleased that my daughters have been so open about these sad events which means they will not be forgotten.
Thanks, Sharon. You’ve had a lot to navigate as a family and it sounds like you’ve all done the best you possibly can to help your granddaughters adjust. It must be a relief to be able to talk about your sister and your mum without anyone having to whisper.
Beautiful post Wendy, very moving. I often glance over at seats in a theatre or cinema and wonder what happened! I’m always curious. Congratulations on the two years , I know we are around the same time , I must have a look to see when my 2 year substack anniversary is and what a good idea to make your posts private after 4 months. I may think about doing that myself.
It’s been such a pleasure getting to know you and your writing here, and thanks for all your encouragement and support.
I’ve dithered about how and whether to use paywalls, and am feeling my way. I don’t have the capacity to write ‘extras’ for paying subscribers, but it does mean the back catalogue is open for them.
Likewise Wendy, such a privilege. I
agree re the paywall, it’s something I’ll think about for sure.
Such a profound and moving piece Wendy. Lovely writing. Many congratulations on your second year. Your posts have brought me a lot of pleasure. I look forward to many more.
Thanks for all your support, Margaret. It’s been wonderful to connect here - the appreciation is mutual.
And loved that Queen ballet!!!
Did you see the Queen ballet, or just the film snippet? It looks a riot!
Just the snippet but yes! I am a huge fan and Roger remains gorgeous :)
Oh Wendy this is so well done and so poignant. Becky's art project really touched me, such a deep person to come up with this concept. And that beautiful dream about Otto. So glad that you wrote about this. I truly believe these things are signs, not just sentimental comfort the brain drags forward. I read recently that a neuroscientist observed that the reason we sleep is not just restorative - it's literally because we need to dream. It's *that* vital for the mind. I had a dream once about drinking tea from one of my mum's lovely china cups when suddenly the bird from the pattern (Pembroke - Aynsley) came to life and came to perch companionably on my shoulder. Will never forget that feeling. Thank you for this mystical start to the day xo
Thanks, Sue. I’m not surprised about the need to dream - it’s the best way to unjumble the world.
I love your magical dream about the bird from your mum’s china cups coming to life anc perching on your shoulder. I’ve just looked up the delightful pattern. That’s so special.
I *love* that you took the trouble to look up the pattern, Wendy. Yes it was special and I will never forget the way that it made me feel. I am sure that your dream evoked a similar response xo
“There’s a big difference between families that keep secrets and those that don’t.” Many so-called grownups haven’t figured this out. The empty theater seats are a powerful and unexpected setup for the emptiness where Otto should be.
Thanks, Rona.
Only just had chance to comment Wendy. This is such a touching, thoughtful piece. The arbitrary decisions we make through life, when they have consequences, my God it makes you realise we have little control.
On another note, I thought I was clever booking tickets for my mum and her friend to see Midsomer Murders at Bromley Churchill theatre 8 months in advance. Shame we all forgot about said tickets until the day after the show - which was only very recently 🤦🏻♀️
Thanks, Sharon. Yes, life’s arbitrariness and what comes from it can be really startling.
Sorry your mum and friend missed out on Midsomer Murders. Sigh.
This was so beautiful and profound, such a moving read ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks, Ruby ❤️
Really moving, Wendy, and beautifully expressed.
Thanks so much, Jeffrey.
What a beautiful post Wendy - I appreciate that the dreams are not always so positive but the one you describe with Otto around 10 years old is so special. 🥰
It was wonderful to be reminded of that dream, Jacqui - the magic of diaries!
I know, I wish I'd kept one! I used to start writing, survive a week, and give up as I hated the sound of my own 'voice' on the page... My van diaries the past two weeks are my most consistent set of entries ever!
Love this, thank you as always! was just looking up today whether you can have anxiety/depression related to miscarriage (how had i thought it was separate?!) and your decision about grief counselling is a guide. Also, what fun theater activities--at least you had the plans, even if they didn't work out!!
Yes, I think depression and the grief of loss can often intermingle. I waited maybe too long to get counselling - I was really bottling up a lot. The relief of talking openly was immense.
I was so pleased to find those tasters of both theatre performances on YouTube. So that was what I missed?!
Such a moving post, Wendy. Thank you. My granddaughter lost her paternal grandmother when she was only three. It was very hard to explain but she seems to have dealt with it. Now I worry about what will happen when I go. She’ll be that much older. You would do anything to spare them pain, but this is the one thing you can’t protect them from.
Thanks, Alison, and very true that you can’t protect children from loss as they grow up. Have to hope they learn that love and resilience go alongside it.
Ah, Wendy, you've done me with this one. Such a moving, lovely post. Congratulations on your second Substackiversary, here's to many more.
Thanks, Lewis. Virtual hankie to the rescue.
And thanks for reading so many of my posts - such a lovely tribe here.
Oh good, now I'm crying in Sainsbury's Costa 🤣 Such a touching and lovely piece of writing about your loss and grief.
Thanks for braving it with your beverage, Georgina, and for your lovely comment. x